


Leaving

by calileane



Series: A Shaman Not A Guide [1]
Category: The Sentinel (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Life Changing Events, M/M, Minor Character Death, well kind of minor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-20
Updated: 2018-08-20
Packaged: 2019-06-30 05:52:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,967
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15745575
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/calileane/pseuds/calileane
Summary: There was too much hurt and loneliness but time won't ever stop and things would come back to normal.Until one thing changed and it was too much. Choices have to be made for oneself. Being selfish can sometimes be needed.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is an old idea from when I first wanted to write fanfiction but this fandom can't be written in french as the french community is not very active for it. And I was so scared of writing in english I never went past the idea stage. But here I am, in need of healing, and so I wrote about someone else than me needing healing.

The day after Brad Ventris arrest Blair began to feel deeply tired. It wasn't the events themselves having caused lack of sleep and stress nor was it the physical illness that was slowly taking root. Although the beginning of a bronchitis wasn't helping Blair recover from the multiple shocks of the past week.

The real problem was the loneliness. Sure there were people around Blair, surrounding him everyday at work, people sharing his life at home and outside of it. But what had happened had left the young man with a sould deep wound. Because every one of THEM, of those others around him, had left him to his own devices when he had the most needed help. He had managed every second of the Ventriss case on his lonesome. And it hadn't even been a case when it began.

No. This one event had started at the university : his home away from home, Blair's very heart and desires, years of studies and labor. He had invested so much in the school, in the students. He had always been a teacher : a spirit guide for those seeking his help and those so lost they hadn't known they needed help. Wasn't it ironic to think of his soul as a guide to all those young and sometimes old minds when he beared the name of guide for a myth that had proven real ?

But was he really a guide to Jim ? Had he become a guide from contact with the sentinel ? Had time transformed Blair so or had he always been a guide ? Born as one ?

Thinking about it made Blair's heart ache. He had lost himself along the way. What was he ? What was he becoming ? What did he want to be ? His very soul hurt.

Blair had tried so hard to do the right thing while the University kept on turning against him. He couldn't find help anywhere and even his friends had left him to it. Blair had only needed their point of view to try to clear his own mind and do what was best but his friends hadn't taken the time to at least listen to him. Without support things had gone bad really fast.

Then Ventriss became a ''case'' and it was as if Blair was more an hindrance to the ''law'' than a help. His concerns were dismissed and his help was rejected. Police members, friends, students, teachers, avoided the young man or were reacting badly to his presence.

It felt like Blair was a lie told for too long, something false that should be erased or kept out. With time Blair began to feel more and more tired : his energy spent on something that wasn't him. A mask.

Should he fail to discover what that mask was and what it was hiding...

Blair would die.

But the more he tried to find where the lies began and where the truth was the more his health took a turn for the worse.

The young professor thoughts time would help, as always. Or so he hoped. He knew how to adapt to every kind of situation, how to integrate himself and become what was needed at some times, some places.

If his sould, heart, mind, hand't been hurting so badly. If time had followed its course as it had always done. If his life had followed the same universal pattern that had been his since birth.

If.

But then came the phone call.

Somehow fate had veered off course.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was a little confused while writing (in personal need of healing) so it might not be as clear as I wanted to write it? But I need to write to feel better so here it is.

Blair called Jim first. His Sentinel was finishing the last of the paperwork for the Ventriss case.

The phone clicked in the way it did when someone hung up on you. Jim hadn't answered a call from Blair for days now.

Ellison like many others at this moment in time felt exasperated with Blair. There was something so off about the young man that people went to great lenght to avoid him. Brad Ventriss wasn't the reason for it. The trend came from months before that. If Blair remembered right the first rejection came after the fountain.

Maybe he came back wrong the day he died ?

Maybe.

Blair tried again and again to call Jim, then Simon, then Taggart and so on.

No one took the time to answer.

And so he waited for Jim to come home.

Tired and desperate he worked on a simple meal for them end then fell asleep on the couch.

He woke to being pushed from the furniture, falling on the floor and raising half closed eyes to his friend's angry face.

'What the hell were you thinking calling me non-stop ? I had to finish the file for the procuror and deal with the mess you being involved caused!'

'Jim..'

'No ! With all the work those complications added I don't have a second left to my days ! So stop thinking only of yourself ! Why don't you go back to your blasted dissertation ?! YOU have the time after all while you deal with your flu ! It's not like a little sniffing can stop you from doing your work. Not like a constantly ringing phone would.' Jim snipped angrily.

Any other time Blair would have answered with his usual flair. Any other day.

It was the ''blasted dissertation'' that did him in. The barely hidden hate behind the words.

The straw that broke thecamel's back.

Closing his eyes Blair nodded slowly.

Jim didn't even realize his friend hadn't uttered a single word.

That night Blair gently set the table and served them in silence. He ate. He cleaned. Then left Jim alone not that Jim picked up on that as he sat and drank his beer watching the game playing on TV.

Blair went to bed and slept. When he woke in the morning, in the silent and deserted appartment, he didn't make any life changing decision.

He changed into a dark suit and added dark glasses to protect his red eyes from the light. He didn't remember crying but wasn't surprised that tears had come while he dreamed of times long past.

Still feverish, his lungs tiring from the worsening bronchitis, the guide took a taxi to the adress he was given on the phone call that upended his life.

Was it only yesterday he received the news ?

At least he didn't have to travel the world to some far away place to learn the last will of the one he had lost.

Had he lost her ? Had he ever had her ? Death had taken her after Life had her for decades. LIFE in capital letters. She had lived travelling, living... there was no word to say how she went on life's road and how people she met there were just second thoughts to her. She hand't belonged to anyone but herself. And Blair had been just a note on her road. A little part of the music that was her life : something insignificant.

The taxi came to a stop before a little home. The lawyer worked from his own house. Knowing Naomi it wasn't surprising for her to chose a little known lawyer rather than the big law corporations. Blair took the taxi acompany card so he could call them when his business was done here and went to ring the doorbell.

A lady opened the door and after taking a look at him gently helped him inside. What must he look like for her to become so compassionate with him ? More so when everyone had been so distant for months now.

The lawyer was her husband and he let her install the young man on a sofa in his little office and bring him a calming and healing tea. The couple was softhearted and humane in a way Blair hadn't the chance to see for what seemed too long.

He drank and even accepted the blanket offered to him. He was too tired to resist any form of positive attention : right at this moment he needed it.

'Are you ready ?' the man asked gently.

Blair nodded. It was the only thing his body would allow him.

And so the lawyer began reading the last will and testament of Naomi Sandburg.

Blair learned that the will was to be read in many cities around the world. It had been arranged for the many friends his mother had made in her travels. For her family too and somehow Blair had the feeling there was more to her blood family than the uncle he had alwyas... well called uncle. There was something off about the words used in the will.

Words were Blair's trade. He could observe and understand as easily as when he opened and read a book but to become so discerning he had to first learn words and every way they colored things.

This will was hiding things from him. But why ? He could accept that his mother's life had been her own, that her friends weren't his nor did they need nor want his presence in their life. But family ? What had been hidden from him ?

The shock, one more wasn't too much when he already felt so broken by so many things, came when Blair learned a largest will was read when his mother was cremated... Three days before.

Was he surprised that she rejected him even in death ? Not really. As much as he played her game of ''mother/friend, present/absent, better things to do I'll see you another time'', Blair never truly trusted her with his heart. She wasn't there enough to tell him she loved him. Wasn't there enough when he needed help. And was there too much when he didn't need it. Because her form of help came with consequences that did more arm than good. But he loved her. Always had.

Wasn't sure he wanted this always to continue. Blair was tired of this game of hers. Even in death she continued to play with him.

Speaking of game :

'There is an inheritence that can only be touched by you on two condition' announced the lawyer. Blair could appreciate the gentleness the man still used after reading to him aloud for so long.

Blair nodded for him to continue. It was all he could do as the words wouldn't come to him for days now that he felt so lost in the world.

'The bank is retaining all rights to the account Naomi Sandburg left you until you comply to my client wishes. First : You are to stop any and all involvement with the police force of Cascade. You are given three days hence to order your life as suited. Second : You have obligation to publish your dissertation. For this you'll be given no longer than nine months.'

Blair's breathed shakily. That last one hurt more than the first. He couldn't allow anyone to force him forward with his dissertation. Jim's life was at stake. Naomi probably knew that Blair was protecting the older man from something in it even if she hadn't been able to find what from. Had she been alive she would have forced herself in their lives to discover what she could.

One of her schemes would have come into being and hurt them all probably.

Did he want her legacy, whatever it was worth as he hadn't asked what was left from her many spendings. She had to have money for her to travel so much and not have any worries. Blair had understood early that his mother wasn't just going from friend to friend and living at their expense as she had made it look like. Even the farms and other cults he had gone to with her when he was younger didn't seem to be the kind of communities that made you feel at home wether you had anything to your name or not. Naomi had been hidding her involvement with the leaders from Blair but her son had been hidding from her how much he had seen. The money that had gone from her hands to theirs. She had been his only family for a long time and he had chosen to let her have those supposed learning experiences that were in fact more paid vacations than anything else.

His only uncle took him in from time to time, and some of her friends on the road. But his uncle hadn't been of his blood : as much as Blair had looked like he believed the lies he had known the truth. Naomi was the only blood family he had ever had in his life. She had made sure of that.

But if she had money like he thoughts it couldn't be much or at least it was enough for her to live the life she had chosen but not enough to help him pay for his studies. No Blair was made to work for every penny needed for him to go to university and live by himself day to day.

So enough money in an account to live for... years as Naomi had always talked of going past a hundred years and be as healthy as if she was twenty.

That account could be worth more than Blair was ready to admit. That was a betrayal he wasn't sure he wanted to discover. Naomi had made sure he understood she didn't have enough to pay for university. She had never given him spending money, never gifted him any frivolous things (even books were frivolous spendings for her : Blair had worked an entire summer to order his favorite author works). Clothes and meals were all she had paid for him. And even that... sometimes in some communities he had learnt how to sew and made his own clothes and and entire year went by without Naomi buying him anything.

As much as Blair loved to have been raised to be self sufficient and reliable. A man he was proud to be. As much as every second on the road had made him more and more into a teacher there had always been a hint of a truth he refused to really see. Because had he accepted the truth he would have lost his only family.

Naomi had raised him or made people raise him to be independant in everyday life but dependant of her in heart and mind. Prisoner of her whims. His escape to Cascade wasn't truly freedom. She had come and gone and sometimes left devastation in her wake.

But now. Did Blair need anything of hers when it would force him into what she wanted ? No.

But did he, himself, want or intended to continue to work with the police of Cascade when he was hurting more and more with each passing year ? Would he publish his dissertation ? Would he let Jim face the consequences of his life being presented to the world ?

Those two conditions of his mother's will weren't important in a ''comply and have the money'' way but in a life changing decision Blair had pushed even further away with every passing day.

When Blair turned to the lawyer he couldn't seem to find words to ask questions. Speaking was an imossibility to him this day.

The man facing him seemed to understand :

'You have the three days left for the first condition to decide what you will be doing.'

Blair nodded to thank the man and decided he needed time alone to think on everything.

He couldn't remember being guided to the outside by the now very concerned lawman. Nor who had called the taxi.

Couldn't even remember how he ended up in his University office sorting out all his papers and possessions. It wouldn't take long to take what was his from here. Most of his things had been moved to his friend's Jack Kelso office. The wheelchair bound professor and formerly CIA operative had been the only one forever lending a hand to Blair. The older man acted like a big brother/caretaker, more family than any family Blair had ever had.

Only the Ventriss case had come at a time Jack hadn't been able to help more. His own obligations had left Kelso tired and with little time to do anything. But Blair felt that this one man was the only good thing left in his life. Whatever Jack saw in Blair was enough to go past whatever came back wrong when Blair died in the fountain.

The young guide took little time taking all his things and making his way back to Kelso's office. The man wasn't there but Blair was let in by the man's teaching assistant. With his help Blair even managed to accomplish all his mind had lead him here to do.

 

It seemed Blair had unconsciously made a choice. His life in Cascade couldn't continue like this. This University was killing him with a slow and hateful rejection. His work with the police couldn't continue as an unofficial consultant, not when legalities weren't in place to protect the force and Blair equally. And no one seemed ready, from Simon Banks to jim Ellison, to make the situation more official. They were so focused on the sentinel thing that they didn't realize they could use Blair's proven help in many cases as a reason for his stay. Antroplogy had been a real help many times over. But The Sentinel took their minds entirely and there was no place for a simple Blair.

So no University, no police, no Cascade.

And maybe no dissertation. Or no dissertation on Jim. There had been mistakes made already about Blair first works on Sentinels in myth of the world. It was on public records and one man had already made the link between sentinels and Jim Ellison. Blair couldn't ever forget Lee Bracket and how he tried to use Jim abilities to steal a plane.

Blair couldn't take back that first work of his. It had come before Jim. His entire life had been made before Jim. But Blair could chose what came after Jim.

And that was the problem wasn't it ?

From Incacha to Bracket to Alex Barnes : all of them had called Blair a guide.

Why ? Was he ?

Something felt wrong about it. And as much as Alex had been attracted to Blair's guide side had it truly been the guide or rather Blair's knowledge as he was the only known one having studied sentinels ? She had killed him. There was no pull between Blair and her and if she had been pulled by him she wouldn't have killed him. Blair could vividly remember how Jim and Alex had been on the beach. That had been a mythical attraction. The two sentinels had been linked.

But Blair died and Jim didn't doubt that leaving Blair behind was for the best. Had Blair been a true guide Jim wouldn't have let Blair out of his sight.

Bracket had only called Blair a guide because Blair was helping Jim. But Lee had the barrest information on guide : he knew they existed and nothing else. So someone helping a sentinel was a guide ? There was no way being a guide was so simple.

So Alex killed him : not a guide.

Jim left him behind (many times) : not a guide.

Bracket was only guessing and nothing else : not a guide.

That left Incacha.

Incacha had passed on the shaman way to Blair. But did being a shaman means he was a guide ? Could a guide be a shaman at the same time ? Were the two compatible ?

Blair had come back from death with a strange feeling of knowing. It seemed he ''knew'' sometimes but never was given the time to listen to his instincts. It was like what he felt with all the knowledge he had from his studies : he knew the information and could apply it and could tell what wasn't right or what was.

Death had given him a deep otherwordly knowledge but no one alive would allow him a single second to use it as it should be. Or even just study it and learn what it was meant for.

That knowledge was the reason being named a guide felt so wrong to him : a lie weighing him down.

Left alone and broken Blair found himself having time and his feverish mind was going in every direction trying to make sence of it all.

If he truly listened : a shaman couldn't be a guide. A guide couldn't be a shaman.

What he was losing in accepting this was frightening him to high heaven. But he was accepting.

Somehow fate had veered off course or maybe it had already done so before and was just now coming back on the right track.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short last chapter. Leaving can be done in a day or in second and so this chapter decided to come out like this.

Blair tried to call every one of his friends again.

Rather than hanging up Jim had his phone on voicemail so Blair left him a very long message. Once words finaly left him they wouldn't stop for anything. Blair talked and talked. About Ventriss, about the University. About his first long ago published work without ever saying on the phone what it was about apart from a lifetime dedicated work. Blair talked about the police station and all he learned, all he gave. About friends, heart family. About choices. About being hurt and alone. About Naomi, her life and her death. About the will's conditions and what Blair truly thought of them. About needing to go before his soul was dried out. Before he died. Assuring Jim that he wasn't leaving for the money but that having it would help Blair to rest easier for a time. More than anything he told Jim of his love : of being brothers always. And he said goodbye.

And when it was done and no other friend answered his calls Blair wrote letters. One for each of his important people.

Three days later, letters and calls and university officials met, Blair found himself with the lawyer in the little house. And cake lovingly made by the man's wife. And tea because yes the bronchitis was still going strong and made worse by his long call to Jim as speaking without coughing up a lung had been and ordeal.

Blair gave the lawyer all documents proving he was leaving Cascade. And so no longer going to work with the Cascade police force. Blair was still surprised Naomi hdan't added as a condition for Blair to no longer see Jim which would be the case for a time but he could come see him again someday. That was the one condition Blair would have refused and would have made the account impossible to touch. Maybe one day he would learn the truth about his mothers schemes ? Her reasons ?

 

There were more papers obtained to prove Blair was taking a leave of absence to finish his dissertation. The original subject it would have been about had never been revealed outside his advisor or the Dissertation committee. So Blair wasn't worried about changing it. They all had talked to him at a time or another to convince him to change subjects. Blair had had to accept to have a secondary option in case the first one didn't work out.

The only worry left in leaving Cascade was the only lie he had told Jim in his call : the account wasn't open to Blair as long as the dissertation wasn't published. And so until then Blair didn't have any money to live without working.

Blair would have to live as he once did while still a student : odd jobs, little money and little time. Being back to a starving student when he was tired and ill wasn't the best thing but it was his choice to start the soul healing needed. His body would have to keep on going, as always.

Goodbye Cascade. But maybe see you soon ?


End file.
